Your family is the first—and perhaps most significant environment—from which you receive your initial sense of yourself and the world. Having a definition of a family helps you understand family systems: A family is a unit of two or more people who may or may not be related by blood or marriage, who are connected in a committed relationship either with or without children.

A family ensures a degree of protection from the world for each member, especially its children. Further, families are comprised of networks of relationships in which there are different degrees of connection and respect, and different ways in which power is exerted or shared among the individuals within them.

Just as there are no perfect children or parents, there are no perfect families. For example, you may have received uneven or less healthy parenting when you were growing up, and thus have decided that as a result you will parent your children in healthier ways.

When you understand the powers at work in families, you are in a better position to promote emotional health in your own family system.

You belong to two families

Each of us has two families to consider:

• our family of origin in which we were a child, and
• our current family in which we live as an adult.

Family dynamics are often extremely subtle and difficult to assess. Loyalties to your family of origin can make you feel guilty when your current family operates in conflict with those loyalties.

Over time, society has changed the definition of and also how we measure the success of the family.

In the past, the success or health of a family was measured by outward appearances Today, success and health are measured by how well we care for each other at an emotional level. (See the IPED Iceberg, Relationship, Observer Role, Trust, Change and Steps of Growth pages.)

We expect, and are expected, to know how to be emotionally and relationally healthy without any foundation provided for those expectations. How can we expect that family members will provide emotional and relational health as a key measure of a family’s success with little or no modeling, training or preparation!

Parents in today’s families often are often poorly equipped to fulfill these expectations because the relational skills and knowledge that were lacking in the past generations do not magically materialize into the present ones.

As a result, it is no wonder so many families are struggling to be successful.

Traits of Healthy Families

(The following is an integrated list of the key traits and qualities of healthy families adapted from Dolores Curran’s, Traits of a Healthy Family, and Janit Woititz’s, Emotionally Healthy Parenting)

• The degree to which each family member communicates, listens, affirms and supports one another
• The degree to which unconditional love is provided by each family member.
• The degree to which there is respect for each family member’s boundaries.
• The degree to which all feelings are tolerated by each family member.
• The degree to which there are reasonable limits and structure for each family member.
• The degree to which there is organization and planning along with the ability to respond to a crisis by each family member.
• The degree to which trust is developed by each family member.
• The degree to which there is a sense of play, humor and shared leisure time by each family member.
• The sense of rituals and traditions for each family member.
• The degree to which each family member receives respect.
• The degree to which parents teach and guide.
• The degree to which the demands made on children are age and developmentally appropriate.
• The frequency of affirmations to children.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS

1. Use the Observer Role to help you gain new awareness and understanding of your family
2. Consider your current family and your family of origin
3. Remember that relationships directly impact emotional health
4. Remember that change takes place in the context of relationships over time

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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