In any situation, you may play the role of observer, participant—or in some instances—both. In your relationship with your child, intentionally assuming the Observer Role can allow you to step back, become clearer and better able to assess the whole situation before deciding on discipline or becoming involved.

When you use this technique, you can make more informed decisions based on rational thinking…not impulsive reacting. Plus, using the Observer Role is a critical skill for learning to actively listen (a skill you’ll learn about in later Tweets).

There is great power in being able to stand firm in the Observer Role and in refusing to be pushed into a more active role until you are ready.

What is the Observer Role?

Observing means:

• taking a detached but mindful perspective in a particular situation
• watching, analyzing, categorizing and considering the situation from many perspectives
• waiting before deciding to become actively involved.

Choosing the Observer Role offers you control and clarity

You are in the Observer Role when you choose to allow your two children to argue about who first had a toy, though you can hear (and even see) all that is happening.

As long as neither child is in danger, observing allows you to become clearer about the whole situation. If and when you decide to participate, you are better prepared to do so with confidence that you are not over-reacting.

Further, stepping back can also provide children with opportunities to resolve arguments themselves, a learning experience for them. ( See our Relationship Tweet ).

Choosing to participate involves you in what is happening

For example…A parent is in the participating role when he pulls two kids apart and tells them they may either decide how to play without anyone getting hurt or must play in separate rooms.

You make a better participant if you first intentionally assume the Observer Role.

It may take a few tries to learn when and how to be in each role and to avoid premature participation. Then, when you do participate you do so more fairly and effectively.

Using the Observer Role can:

• help you more intentionally build your child’s self-esteem
• appreciate her needs
• communicate appropriately
• help you apply the correct technique for each specific situation.

As you intentionally observe, as a parent you can grow in awareness and are more likely to parent in healthy, effective ways.

Keep your role clear

It can be difficult to maintain the Observer Role when others are urging you to participate.

It requires intentionality and self-control to observe. The Observer steps back and intentionally remains separate while still caring.

How the Observer Role helps you become an emotionally healthier parent

As Observer, you are gathering information. The more informed you are, the more likely your decisions will be healthy.

You automatically slow down, take in as much as you can, sort your information, organize it, and integrate it with other things you have observed. As a result, you gain confidence in your decisions because they are based on more information (including your child’s Iceberg.)

You may find you become less critical and less judgmental because you now understand someone or something better. You are more calm and in charge because you are so much clearer.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Step back and observe behavior
2. Resist participating until you are ready
3. Watch, analyze and categorize the situation
4. Decide when you are adequately prepared to make a clearer, healthier decision about your actions

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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