By definition, a relationship exists when two people have an interactive connection with each other. However, realistically, relationships exist to meet the needs of one or both people in the relationship.

So, it follows that each relationship is dynamic. Each is always changing, has many dimensions and multiple levels.

These dynamics give each relationship its own energy—an energy which indicates the emotional health of the relationship.

Your relationship is a dance

A relationship may be considered as two people dancing, and an emotionally healthy relationship looks like a smooth, consistent, flowing dance:

• Sometimes the dance is slow and close
• Sometimes people step apart and appear more independent
• But no matter how the energy of the dance changes, the connection remains

The connection also carries the potential for the relationship to be wounded.

When wounds happen, the dance is interrupted and energy diminishes. What causes wounds to surface? What can we do when they occur?

Wounds often occur from unfair expectations or unclear communication.

If the relationship’s degree of emotional health is strong, the dance will resume, the energy flourishes. In less emotionally healthy relationships, understanding how energy flows within the relationship will help.

Our childhood impacts the energy of our relationships

Each of us carries deep within a collection of the negative and positive experiences of our childhood. . .especially those experiences that occurred in the first several years.

In our early years, we were totally dependent on the people who cared for us to facilitate the healthy nurturing and accomplishment of our developmental and relational tasks; that is, how our parents tended to our physical, emotional, intellectual, moral and social needs and development as we grew.

Some of us had parents who were not well-equipped to facilitate this growth. Perhaps no one guided them in their process of parenting. Or, perhaps they may not have been given what they needed while they were growing up.

Still, these experiences combined and became a “legacy” or history that we transport across generations into our current relationships. Our legacies affect the energy and emotional health of our relational “dances.”

In fact, we may be unaware that the legacy is there and then be confused when we witness its energy-draining impact: repeating a pattern that does not best serve our needs or bring us the successful results we desire–a cycle of less than emotionally healthy relationships.

What about your relationship with your child?

At the core of emotionally healthy parenting is a healthy relationship between parent and child. (See information on the IPED Iceberg.)

The degree of emotional health of your child relates directly to the degree of emotional health of your parent-child relationship. In other words, your legacy affects your relationship with your child and your child’s ability to build healthy relationships.

But no matter what your past, being aware of the legacy you carry forward is a step toward helping restore your relationships. By opening yourself to awareness, you begin understanding the process of helping yourself and your child move toward emotional health.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

We all have the potential to be emotionally healthy and to have emotionally healthy relationships.

1. Appreciate that most significant relationships are complex, dynamic and evolving.
2. Understand that relational health directly impacts emotional health and vice versa.
3. Consider the impact that past relationships may have on present ones. (When you are aware of your legacy, you become mindful of how it can impact your relationships.)
4. Everyone makes mistakes. Make amends when wounds occur. Genuinely saying, “I’m sorry” to your child also teaches a child that he or she has permission to grow and learn. (See information on the IPED Iceberg.)

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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