As a parent, you may determine how well your child behaves by observing and encouraging outward actions. Think about it…do you concentrate only on behavior results you can see—the tip of the iceberg?

Many parents do. Actually, the behavior you see emerges from what lies below the surface, the part you see.

But your child’s behavior goes much deeper.

The two invisible layers of the iceberg—the parts hidden under water—together create the foundation for appropriate behavior, and the foundation is the primary focus.

The first invisible layer: emotional health

See the illustration, and think of the first invisible layer as your child’s degree of emotional health.

Emotional health is more than your child’s feelings. It involves his or her ability to:

• build and maintain healthy self-esteem and self-confidence,
• develop a core belief system that is nurturing and fair,
• grow in self-awareness, compassion and empathy
• manage his or her emotions, and
• live fully and creatively

The deeper invisible layer: relational health

Notice the bottom portion of the illustration. Your child’s ability to relate to others in a positive and healthy way stems from this deepest layer.

As a result of your child’s growing emotional health—the first hidden layer—he or she will be better able to build and maintain emotionally healthy relationships that involve:

• high levels of trust and trustworthiness
• a balance of fair giving and receiving, and
• the ability to be intimate in ways that are appropriate in the context of each specific relationship

Parents are icebergs, too

Your degree of emotional and relational health emerges from the hidden layers of your iceberg. These layers are the source of your confidence, self-esteem, ability to nurture and be nurtured, and appreciate life more fully.

How do your family relationships impact your—and your child’s—iceberg?

As an infant, your first relationships occur in the context of family where you find a world that proposes:

• to nurture and protect
• give structure
• meet needs, and
• help you learn to trust and become trustworthy

The degree to which your family was able to give these key elements of emotional health determines the degree of emotional health you have as an adult, and eventually as a parent. With strong relational and emotional health, it follows that healthy outward behaviors naturally emerge.

As an emotionally healthy individual, you are therefore able to be intentional about emotionally healthy parenting. You are better equipped to nurture and maintain a strong Iceberg for your children and yourself.

How do you fix a parenting mistake?

Since there are no perfect parents or perfect children, Icebergs do get “chipped.” When this happens, it is important to admit the mistake and make amends—apologize.

When you acknowledge a mistake and make amends, it is like pouring warm water over the Iceberg and smoothing the chips and helping to heal the mistake.

The benefit for everyone

As your child experiences emotionally healthy relationships, he or she is positively positioned to grow, nurture and be nurtured, and build others’ emotional health even as his or her own is being built. When your child is emotionally healthy as an individual, you experience and appreciate life more fully and achieve a level of contentment as a family.

When you nurture the relational health of your child, over time, emotional health and appropriate behaviors will naturally grow.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Picture an Iceberg and divide it into three levels: one above the water and two below the water.
2. Nurture the deeper, invisible layers to gain desired behaviors
3. When a mistake is made, acknowledge it and make amends. Making amends is like pouring warm water over the “chips” to smooth the Iceberg.

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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