Active Listening is the single most effective skill a parent can use and it will amaze you once you master it.

Active Listening is a specific and refined skill of communication. It is more than simply hearing what the speaker (your child or another adult) is saying. It requires hearing at a deeper level and sending back clear, fully attending, nonjudgmental messages that are a legitimate expression of the speaker’s feelings and experience.

Besides creating more complete communication between people, it promotes trust and raises the self-esteem of the speaker and the listener.

Appreciating the power of Active Listening

In Active Listening, the speaker is allowed to release stored emotions constructively. If these stored feelings are not adequately released, they can block the speaker’s ability to see a situation objectively or discern how to solve problems.

When allowed to ventilate feelings in a climate of validation and acceptance, often the speaker’s feelings will lose their intensity and become less overwhelming. Catharsis occurs without reassurance or advice on the part of the Listener, just through the Listening process itself.

The story example below illustrates the power of the “container” type of Active Listening:

At age five, my daughter was at a neighbor’s house one morning and was taken by the neighbor to her racquetball club and left with the babysitter there.

When my daughter came home, I only needed one look in her eyes to see that something had happened to her. After my neighbor left, she burst into tears. My daughter spoke through choking sobs as I cradled her in my arms.

In the playroom, she had climbed onto a bench. The bench tipped and she fell off it. Then the babysitter yelled at her. Frightened and hurt, she had run to the bathroom and closed herself inside. For an hour or more, she was in a strange place taken there by another mother. She was left alone with some new lady who yelled at her at a time when she was frightened and scared, and she had no idea how long it would last. No wonder she was so upset!

As I held her, I echoed back what I heard. More facts and feelings came tumbling out. “The other kids were climbing on the bench too…They didn’t get yelled at. Only me! I was scared and hurt when I fell…It was dark and smelled bad in the bathroom…You weren’t there…I was afraid the lady would find me…I could hear the other kids playing…I didn’t want anyone to hear me crying…I was so scared…I couldn’t call you.”

My acknowledgments freed her to let out more and more. I reflected her feelings as I repeated her story, “You felt so alone…You wanted me to come…” and her perceptions: “It was smelly and scary…You didn’t want to be found out.” “I wanted YOU to come and you didn’t!” she yelled at me. “You are angry that I couldn’t come to you.”

Internally, I was preparing to give her advice (“Maybe you should have…”) or reassure her (“It’s not such a big deal, Honey; everyone has scary experiences.”) I wanted to explain away the babysitter’s behavior (“Maybe she has a naturally loud voice.”)  Stifling those thoughts took some effort, but I was determined just to listen.

We talked until my daughter seemed to be finished spilling her feelings.

It was time for her to get ready for kindergarten. I wondered if she would be too upset to separate again, but she left without a word of protest.

I waited anxiously for her return, wanting to “be there” for her.

She bounced in later, bubbling about her afternoon. I was astounded! Was this the same child who had sobbed so pathetically just a few hours before?

I asked her how she was feeling. “Fine, why?” she asked. “I mean, about this morning.” She paused, as if trying to figure out what I meant. “Oh, that.  I’m okay now. It was pretty scary, but it’s okay now.”

THAT is catharsis.  Be prepared when it happens, it can be awesome!

The 5 types of Active Listening

There are five major processes of Active Listening. One or more may occur during an Active Listening interchange. The following object images may help you picture each of the 5:

Movie Ticket:

The Listener behaves as though watching a movie: observes attentively, responds nonverbally using attentive body language, and notes details without giving specific comments back to the speaker. (Nodding and saying, “hmmm,” for example.)

Mirror:

The Listener acts as a mirror to help the speaker see himself and his situation more clearly. This mirror also has the power to telescope to see the bigger picture and to microscope to see things in fine detail. (“So, what happened first…”)

Container:

The Listener figuratively holds out a container and collects whatever the speaker wants to unload, providing a safe place to discharge feelings. (“This was very painful for you to watch…”)

Computer:

The Listener acts as computer processor by organizing, sorting, arranging priorities, identifying values, needs, feelings, issues, or expectations. (“While you were unsure, you were also trying to clarify your role…”)

Little Book of Wisdom:

The Listener states a principle or truth that reflects the speaker’s issues, needs, feelings, values, expectations or perspective. (“Sometimes it is very hard to step back and allow natural consequences to take place…”)

Acceptance is the heart and soul of Active Listening.

Acceptance does not necessarily mean you agree with what you are hearing, but rather, it expresses a nonjudgmental attitude. Your acceptance of what is being heard is conveyed through words, relaxed body language, appropriate eye contact (sometimes people want constant eye contact, sometimes, none at all) and facial expressions.

Once you experience the speaker’s catharsis, observe that he or she will likely be ready to move on to something else.

The speaker’s feelings may be about a problem situation, but could as well be about something exciting or happy.

In either instance, Active Listening is an intimate and trusting experience for both the speaker and listener.

Try these sentence starters when using Active Listening. These sample statements underscore a myriad of possible responses for listeners:

• You wish…
• It hurt you…
• You didn’t expect…
• It bothers you that…
• You’re worried/concerned that…
• It seems unfair that…
• You can’t understand…
• You don’t know…
• You are working to…
• You think the other person is feeling/ needing/ worrying about/ trying to /expecting…
• The tension seems to be coming from…
• What you think might happen because of this is…
• If things could be different, you’d feel…

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Determine which type of Active Listening is needed
2. Take the time and give the attention
3. Respond appropriately with nonverbal messages and verbal Listening statements
4. Allow each person the freedom to share and process freely

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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