One way to understand effective communication is to envision it as a cluster of seven “hats” each with its own specific purpose and design.

When used appropriately, these seven hats have the potential to promote and preserve self-esteem to build emotional health and strong relationships between parents and children.

The “trick” is to wear the right hat at the right time.

For example, a parent puts on the Listening hat when a child needs to be heard and accepted, in an almost magical way, the communication becomes healthy and effective.

It is important to remember that your response might be quite different from that of another parent even in a similar situation because parents have different styles, perceptions, values and expectations. Therefore, there may be more than one healthy response.

The ultimate evaluation of the appropriateness or effectiveness of the interaction is the degree to which needs were met; emotional health was promoted for all; and fairness, safety, and trust were maintained in the relationship.

The 7 Hats

1. Active Listening Hat:

Active Listening promotes self-esteem and emotional health and healthy relationships through messages that show attention, awareness, acceptance, appreciation, and acknowledgment. Active Listening statements reflect a person’s experience, feelings, perspectives, or other messages, communicating that the speaker is aware, interested and respectful.

Examples:

• You sound very worried about that.
• You aren’t sure what to do next.

Use Active Listening when your child has a problem, exhibits intense feelings, or would benefit from an opportunity to feel heard and appreciated. Active Listening helps your child feel accepted, understood, appreciated, respected, capable and valuable—powerful messages.

2.      Affirming Hat:

The Affirming Hat provides reassurance, safety, nurture and praise. Affirmations nurture a child by verifying and validating her innate character, an accomplishment, the value of her intentions or potential to do well. Caution: used too soon or without sufficient Active Listening, affirmations can be ineffective. Inappropriate affirmations can also be experienced as put-downs if they are said at the wrong time.

Examples:

• You are doing that so well by yourself.
• You have followed the directions step-by-step and now it is almost finished; congratulations!

Use affirmations when your child would benefit from having her core belief system built up with positive images. The result is your child’s sense of self is clarified and she develops an improved sense of rights, respect for her needs and permission to be self-accepting.

3.      Teaching Hat:

The Teaching Hat encourages new awareness and understanding, promotes a sense of connection, feelings of power through knowledge, a sense of capability, and the ability to develop personal values. Teaching provides relevant information to guide your child so he can better understand the world and the family values you wish him to adopt.

Example:

• When you walk through the grass in our bare feet, you can accidentally step on something sharp and get a cut.

Use teaching when your child needs information about the world, principles, relationships, values, priorities and help of expressing himself. The result is that your child can feel more empowered, clear, included, trusted, and encouraged to process his own ideas and to think about the world. Caution: used too soon, teaching can sound like criticism, nagging or a lecture.

4.      I-Messages Hat:

Use the I-Messages Hat to clarify your point of view and perceptions for your child, model self-respect, give your child a way to give back and keeps lines of communication open. I-Messages provide you with a way to share your perspective, needs, feelings and concerns with another. Your child can benefit from understanding the impact she is having on you. Caution: used without Active Listening or nurturing, an I-Message can make the child believe that her needs are not of much importance.

Examples:

• When you throw the ball in the house, it upsets me because I’m afraid something will get broken. I expect you to throw the ball outside.
• I felt so proud when the teacher told me you had been very kind to the new child in the class. That shows that you can be very caring.

I-Messages are used twofold: when you own a problem and are finding a behavior to be unacceptable, and, to praise specific behavior by sharing your perspective.

Through I-Messages you are better able to clarify feelings and expectations. In addition, your child gets the opportunity to work on remedying the situation and learns a healthy way of expressing her own feelings.

5.      Disciplining and Limit-setting Hat

The Disciplining and Limit-setting Hat provides structure, sets and enforces limits and rules and healthy compliance to authority. Healthy discipline involves establishing rules and limits to promote a safe environment where needs feelings, perspectives and rights of others are preserved and respected. As a result injuries (physical, emotional or relational) are prevented; or, if they do occur, are managed fairly.

The ultimate goal is for your child to become self-disciplined.

Examples:

• The rule is no hitting.

 Use discipline and limit-setting when your child needs outside limits. The result is that your child feels safer having his impulses controlled and knows that your rules promote stability and fairness for everyone. Caution: Used too soon or without some form of nurturing and support, discipline can make your child feel ignored, unloved and unfairly treated.

6.      Problem Exploration Hat:

The Problem Exploration Hat promotes connection, healthy power and creativity. It is a wonderful tool for children to learn to use on their own.

Example:

• We have a problem here. Let’s sit down together and look at it in as many ways as we can.

Problem exploration is a chance for you and your child to figure out together what caused the injury and how to prevent more in the future. Caution: If the process is started too soon, the child will not be ready to concentrate on it and will not feel his needs are being attended.

Use problem exploration when it would be helpful for both of you to get a broader and clearer picture. The result is that each of you can clarify perspectives and experiences and feel important.

7.      Sharing Hat:

The Sharing Hat promotes connection. Sharing is a way for you to tell your child about your own similar experiences. Use sharing when your child would benefit from and enjoy connecting through stories, experiences, play or work. The result is that each of you feels connected and bonded.

Example:

• This reminds me of when I first went to school. I can remember how scared I was when….

Playing with your child is an extremely important form of sharing interaction because much of your child’s learning and expressing occurs during play. Caution: If done too soon, your child will feel ignored and unimportant, as though the focus of attention is on you.

The hat trick:  switching from hat to hat

Although it is important to understand that these 7 Hats are distinct, it is also important to see that they can be blended.

For example, you could say:

“It can be very frustrating to want to go out on a nice day like this and then to be told you have to put this basket of laundry away first [Active Listening]. You can do a very efficient job because once you decide to do something, you are able to do it well [affirming].  The rule is, however, no playing outside until the laundry is put away [disciplining]. I remember wishing we had a maid who would just do all the jobs around the house that I hated to do [sharing].  I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you and when it is done, you can go out” [disciplining].

Using the 7 Hats takes some practice, but will build your relationship with your child and make her Iceberg strong.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

            1.         Become familiar with the variety of communication Hats

            2.         Learn the healthy uses of each Hat

            3.         Change to the appropriate Hat as necessary

            4.         Be aware of the timing as you choose to use each Hat

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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