The ability to recognize needs in your child, yourself and your relationships is a valuable tool for a parent.

Behavior is need-driven. Therefore, if you can figure out the need behind a behavior, you are better equipped to understand, modify or change that behavior. Conversely, when you do not see the need behind the behavior, it is easier to become frustrated, critical, or disappointed.

Getting needs met straight

Much of parenting involves learning to apply the key principles of needs.

You can become more aware and effective when you step into the Observer Role to consider what needs are being reflected in displayed behaviors so you can better understand how to respond.

For example, young children experience minor needs with the same intensity as major ones, and they are not able to understand that other people may have needs at the same time as they do. Because parents may realize young children are not yet ready to modulate or be empathetic, they can shift their expectations and responses to be fairer and more reasonable.

It may take time to observe and recognize which needs are operating at a given time, and even then some needs may remain unclear. However, when you can reframe behaviors that seem unreasonable or difficult as a manifestation of an unmet need, you are often in a better position to relax, calm and regroup. Then, you are better prepared to uncover the real needs.

Sometimes needs require prompt attention, even if they can only be treated symptomatically. If a need does not get met “straight,” typically, it will bet met “crooked.” Straight is always better.

Children use certain behaviors to signal a need. The more aware you are of the nature of needs, how they might be expressed and how to meet them in healthy ways, the better prepared you are to assess and understand your child’s behavior.

By focusing on understanding your child’s need, you are guided in how to interact and respond to your child’s behavior in an emotionally healthy way. In an environment that appreciates the value of needs, more appropriate behavior is likely to result.

Your child may have several needs occurring simultaneously. The strongest need will win; and once a need has been satisfactorily met, it no longer strongly motivates the child’s behavior.

If a need is blocked, the child may try to meet the need by developing some form of coping behavior. For example, a child who is frustrated in efforts to get his mother’s attention may “accidentally” create a spill to receive at least negative attention (this is how a child’s need gets met “crooked.”)

When a child’s needs are consistently met in predictable and healthy ways, the child will be calmer and less demanding, more able to focus. She will grow in self-esteem and trust. Because her Iceberg’s emotional and relational layers are strengthened, behaviors are more positive.

Unmet childhood needs and need deficits

Need deficits can easily spiral.

You may have come into adulthood with significant needs unmet and feel sadness or pain sometimes in dealing with your child. These feelings may be a product of your unresolved childhood experiences.

Consider that a toddler is predictably very needy physically, emotionally and socially almost all of the time. His mother has extra needs herself during this time. She needs

• lots of insight into her child’s behavior
• recognition for the important job she is doing
• a good night’s rest
• ways to fulfill all of her in-home and outside-home responsibilities, and
• some time alone

Under so much stress, she may have trouble fulfilling her role as caregiver and may not have energy left to appreciate other familial relationships. The stress created from these feelings of apparent neglect can intensify and negatively impact everyone in the family.

She, too, deserves support to adequately meet her needs. Mothers and fathers both deserve to have needs met, and their relationship also has its own needs as well!

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. First use the Observer Role
2. Be clear about needs vs. wants
3. Identify underlying needs
4. Meet your child’s needs in straight, healthy ways

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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