Fair giving to others in relationships involves the degree to which safety, trust, love, respect, appreciation and other emotional and relational “food” is offered and received.

Just as you can nurture, support, or empower in your relationships, you can neglect or abuse yourself or others. The consequences when neglect and abuse occur can be dire.

The reason a person can or cannot give or receive fairly in a relationship is almost always found , in his or her history of giving and receiving.

The degree to which there is a fair balance of give and take in a family’s relationships is called the Ethical Dimension, a brilliant theory of relationships created by Ivan Boszorme-Nagy, founder of Contextual Therapy. It respects a family’s legacies and the impact of the ethical dimensions of these relationships on future generations.

Think about the balance of giving and receiving in your family over the course of generations.

When parents give fairly and appropriately to a child in one generation, that child is then freed to give fairly and appropriately to his own children.

Giving to and receiving from others in a fair and balanced way earns a person constructive entitlement—the right to give and receive fairly in all relationships including the one you have within yourself.

Conversely, when parents neglect or hurt their children, these grown children earn entitlement, or the ethical right to compensation called destructive entitlement. This compensation (destructive entitlement) can have hurtful implications for others, including the children themselves.

The person who has earned destructive entitlement is not obligated to give fairly to others or to himself because he has an ethical “claim” to redeem. This redemptive process has a destructive impact. If the person cashes in the claim, others are hurt. Yet, if it is not cashed in, he or she is cheated.

These entitlements are not about feelings of entitlement. They are about earned rights that exist within a person.

Often people are unaware that they and others do what they do because earned entitlements are the underlying forces behind behaviors.

Children fairly given to, who also are encouraged to give both within and outside the family according to their own developmental levels and abilities, learn that such giving results in a positive spiral of self-validation, self-worth and the freedom to act.

In contrast, children who are discouraged from giving earn destructive entitlement, along with a lack of validation that promotes low self-worth and lessened abilities to give fairly in other relationships, along with an ethically earned right to be less trustworthy.

Children don’t give back in equal measure

Children give on a scale all their own. Because a child’s resources are limited, parents may not recognize the importance of a child’s offerings nor the value of the parent’s appreciation for those offerings.

Presents can be given in the form of help around the house, drawings, special rocks, hugs, favors, apologies, attempts to make amends, and through words of love and comfort. The important element to recognize is that children are learning how to give and are receiving credit for their giving.

In this dynamic of fair giving and receiving, children have opportunities to give and have their gifts accepted and valued while simultaneously receiving appropriate nurturing. This process earns them constructive entitlement.

Children who are overindulged, who are not expected to give fairly or make amends for broken trust, also earn destructive entitlement. Like some more obvious forms of abuse and neglect, overindulgence can have equally severe consequences, even though over-giving can seem so much more benign.

Parentification

In parentification, children are forced to give too much through bearing inappropriate responsibilities, making the parent-child relationship ethically unfair and off-balance.

The lack of balance can unfairly pressure children to over-give and can rob them of the right to be fairly cared for.

Sometimes parents expect children to take on the burden of unfair responsibilities beyond the level of their maturity, developmental skill, or abililty.

Extreme cases of parentification include situations in which children are given such overwhelming tasks as continually taking care of younger siblings, keeping family secrets or accepting physical abuse while protecting the abusive parent.

How to heal destructive entitlement? Give credit for unfairness

When a child (or an adult) has been given too much or too little and has built up some degree of destructive entitlement, one of the most healing approaches is to give him credit for the unfairness. Then, as unfairness is acknowledged and appreciated, there can be a positive shift in the balance of fairness, and as a result the person can let go of some of the anger, hurt and right for revenge.

Simultaneously, the person needs to give to herself and to others fairly in order to begin building constructive entitlement, making amends for any destructive behavior.

Then through the process of receiving credit and acknowledgments for unfairness, while making amends and giving fairly to others, over time, the shift from destructive to constructive entitlement can occur.

The amount of time to heal depends upon the severity of the destructive entitlement.

Additionally, the person who has been forced to over-give can assume the right to set limits on giving. Destructive cycles can be broken when patterns of over- or under-giving are stopped so that future generations no longer need to suffer from and struggle with the legacies of unfairness and earned destructive entitlement.

By interrupting destructive patterns of entitlement and replacing them with constructive patterns of entitlement, parents have the incredible power to change unhealthy family legacies for themselves and for future generations. How awesome is that?

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1.         Consider your family’s legacies and your loyalties to them

2.         Learn to recognize constructive and destructive entitlement

3.         Break patterns of over- or under-giving

4.         Intentionally give fairly to yourself and your child

5.         Encourage your child to give inside and outside the family

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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