The words we choose to use in our communication can directly impact children’s emotional health and the health of our relationship with our children. 

Global language is less specific and tends to be critical of the child’s personhood rather than of a specific action or behavior. Often language that uses more descriptive, specific and tentative words is more accurate and less threatening.

Evaluative vs. descriptive words  

It is important for parents to appreciate the differences between use of evaluative and descriptive language.

Evaluative words such as “good, bad, kind, cruel, nice, and mean” imply judgment and can be highly emotional in their transmission and reception. Descriptive words do not judge; they state facts.

By confusing evaluations with descriptions, opinions can be stated as facts, and personal beliefs can be presented as truths.

If the distinction is not clear, value judgments may be accepted as facts. The danger of opinions becoming “facts” increases with the amount of authority one person has over another. Parents can state opinions as facts and children can struggle to determine what is real vs. what is subjective judgment.

Opinions stored as truths can be difficult to dislodge. They can impact your child’s iceberg and affect his relationship with you or others.

However, if you clearly identify your statement as being a personal evaluation, then your child is freer to appreciate that this is indeed your opinion. The information can then be stored differently and can be more easily modified by your child’s own experiences.

• Example: “The way I see it is…” vs. “This is the way it is.”

More global vs. specific and more absolute vs. tentative language

Global and absolute words, such as “always, never, should, perfect, totally, completely, must and can’t” are exaggerations. Such words give no leeway and can make the receiver feel defensive, labeled or trapped.

More specific words keep the conversation in the present; they speak of what is happening now. More tentative words such as “sometimes, maybe, possibly” usually are gentler and more accurate.

• Example: “You are always so disorganized!” Is a global and absolute evaluation.
• “Today you seem to be struggling to get your homework organized,” is more specific and tentative and probably will be better received.

 Positive absolutes 

Positive absolutes are blanket statements that use words like “always or never” and can be heavy to bear.

• Example: “You always do your best” can have a surprising negative impact because of the pressure it places on the receiver.
• Instead, a specific positive statement noting one-time situations eliminates the burden of expecting anyone to always be a certain way: “I counted on you to wash the car today, and you really came through for me” is healthier than “I can always count on you no matter what I ask you to do.”

The impact of directive statements 

Directives are statements that tell the receiver what he can or cannot, should or should not do. These kinds of statements can evoke negative feelings and can be inflammatory and feel controlling.

 More tentative statements typically are less threatening.

• Example: “It might help you think this through and you might discover you know what to do” is less directive than “You have to do this now, this way…”

When you need to use evaluative and directive language

There are times when disciplining children that directive and definitive language is more appropriate. (“In our family we value kindness. Therefore, no one may purposefully hurt another person or pet, period.”)

There are appropriate absolute directives that serve an important function because they define values and provide both clear structure and boundaries.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. First use the Observer Role.
2. Consider your power to reframe your and your child’s world.
3. Be more specific, tentative and descriptive with your language.
4. Use evaluative, absolute, and global words with care

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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