The power of words is indisputable.

The words we use carry positive and negative connotations, and implications and assumptions that affect our thoughts and, in some cases, can actually create our attitudes about things.

Words can ignite images, thoughts and feelings. Evaluative words or attributions (names or labels such as “dumb, lazy or bad”) you impose on your child could eventually become internalized into your child’s self-image. When these evaluations or attributions become part of your child’s core belief system, they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As you would assume, healthy images promote healthy self-esteem. Consequently, unfair, distorted images can have a profoundly negative impact.

Think of the words you use as a frame. They carry images, attitudes and values that may or may not be appropriate to what is being described or discussed.

Parents frame the world by labeling the many behaviors and situations around them.

Reframing involves changing, discarding or at least acknowledging the highly subjective nature of a particular perspective. It requires the ability to see the factual aspects of the situation as one thing and the frame as another, just as the picture on the wall is one thing and its frame is another.

When you reframe in a specific, nonevaluative way, you often change the reactions and attitudes of the message-receiver because your new description activates a different, healthier set of images, thoughts and feelings in his mind. (This communication skill works with children and adults.)

When reframing a word or perspective, it is a sound rule to use less emotional and more objective, descriptive words.

For example, shifting the emphasis from the child onto you, the speaker wo takes responsibility for your words, can be more emotionally and relationally healthy.

• Less Healthy Frame: “My child is selfish about sharing.”
• Healthier Reframe: “I see that in this stage of development my child values ownership.”
• Less Healthy Frame: “You are an annoying kid!”
• Healthier Reframe: “It is difficult for me to concentrate when you bounce the ball next to me!”

It is important to stress that reframing does not suggest using euphemisms for negative behaviors. You are not obligated to “sweeten” your reactions, bury your feelings, go against your values, or excuse inappropriate or destructive actions.

The value of reframing is in appreciating the power you have intentionally to frame and reframe your and your child’s world. Reframing allows you to make statements that offer a more accurate description of your perspective and your child’s responsibility.

With a bit of practice, you can become more intentional about changing the frames you use in your parenting. With reframing, you have the power to use more descriptive (”There is mud on your shoes”) vs. evaluative words (“You are a sloppy mess.”)

You’ll soon enjoy how descriptive words evoke healthier ways of interacting and behaving.  

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. First use Observer Role
2. Consider the message you want the receiver to receive 
3. Take responsibility for your words
4. Evaluate and revise your message as needed

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.