Parents often come to us wanting to know “tricks“ that will change their children’s behaviors.

They think they might be missing a parenting-approach because it is tough to believe some behaviors are normal—or even serve a useful purpose.

Are they missing a simple shortcut? Should change be so difficult?

Three principles of change

Change:

• Is a complex, multi-faceted, dynamic subject
• Is a part of each life and each relationship, and
• Occurs in the context of relationships over time

No one can forecast with certainty how much time will be needed for change to occur. It occurs when there is a noticeable shift in an attitude, belief or behavior.

 Some changes are more difficult than others

Some changes are more complicated than others, and some may take longer to achieve.  For example, it can be anxiety-producing to make changes that challenge a family loyalty or that require a great deal of work.

We believe parents can be comforted (and perhaps disappointed) to learn there usually is not a magical quick fix solution to a problem or challenging behavior.

Instead, there is education and understanding and an ongoing process of applying multiple emotionally and relationally healthy approaches of parenting that over time build and strengthen your and your child’s Icebergs.

When you are introduced to new information, skills or principles, you may be influenced to move in a new direction. All change produces stress–even when it is positive, planned, desired or under your control. The degree to which it is a significant change affects the degree of stress you and those in relationships with you feel.

Change occurs in the context of relationships over time         

There are no tricks to changing your child’s behavior

When you learn the possible meanings behind behaviors–about your child’s budding emotional health and his development of self-esteem–you are learning about your child’s Iceberg and Steps of Growth.

It is with this awareness and your understanding of the importance of building trust and trustworthiness, fairness and safety that change will occur. You are building the relational health in the deepest layer of the Iceberg from which desired behavior emerges, accepting that change occurs in the context of relationships over time.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. First use the Observer Role
2. Increase your awareness of change and its impact on your and your child’s Iceberg
3. Intentionally and patiently nurture emotionally and relationally healthy change

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families. 

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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