What is family loyalty? Family loyalty is a transgenerational power that works to preserve family traits, traditions and rules.

The impact of family loyalties can feel like an almost ghostly presence.

Loyalty occurs because we bond to parents who give us life and the nurturing we need to survive. We express this loyalty by defending or repeating the beliefs, roles, rules, values, and traditions of our parents and, therefore, of our family of origin.

You may have heard family loyalties referred to as legacies or baggage. We can be unaware that this loyalty occurs and that it is the force behind our behaviors.

All families hand down a legacy of beliefs, attitudes, rules and behaviors through a complex tapestry of messages about those beliefs, attitudes, rules and behaviors.

Each family member learns and eventually internalizes these legacies.

• Sometimes our loyalties are to emotionally and relationally healthy beliefs and processes.
• Sometimes we inherit less healthy beliefs and practices.
• But, regardless of how healthy our loyalties are, because each of us is loyal to his or her parents, we each unconsciously strive to maintain the consistent tapestry of our family’s beliefs and practices.

The grip of family loyalty can be so powerful that a family member who begins to question unhealthy traits often feels guilty for being disloyal, as if he has abandoned his family or betrayed a trust…even though he cognitively can understand the need for change.

Breaches in loyalty can cause upheavals in family relationships. It takes courage, persistence and intentionality to work through the stress and difficulties toward healthier ways of parenting.

New skills require conscious thought and intentional implementation. Later, when the family adjusts to these new skills, former destructive patterns can be reduced and even eliminated, while healthy ones can be intentionally preserved. Eliminating destructive patterns may take patience, as change occurs in the context of relationships over time.

With new skills, new loyalties to emotionally healthier practices can become a part of the family system. Then the children of this family can be loyal to parents who are providing healthier ways of interacting and behaving. A new legacy is now created!

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Consider the Steps of Growth—be open to new awareness and understanding
2. Consider your current family and your family of origin
3. Appreciate the power family loyalties has on you
4. Intentionally nurture healthy family loyalties while gently modifying unhealthy ones

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

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