Healthy rules and structure provide children with a secure world.

Consistent, healthy limits on behavior and fair, reasonable boundaries, expectations and demands provide healthy structure for children so that over time they gain impulse control and self-discipline.

With appropriate rules and structure in place, discipline is easier to enforce.

The IPED (Institute for Professional Education and Development) approach to effective discipline assumes that parents need to accept a position as the authority in the lives of their children until their children are mature enough to assume responsibility for themselves.

Effective discipline is NOT synonymous with punishment, and a consequence is not the same as punishment. Effective discipline is NEVER about harming, humiliating, degrading, purposely hurting, embarrassing, mocking, shaming or disrespecting the child.

The thrust of effective discipline is that you can parent with confidence, calmness and clarity. It is an assertive teaching role that promotes your child’s learning self-discipline.

Though the “discipline” hat can be a challenge for parents, it is a necessary skill of emotionally healthy parenting. The kind of discipline that considers the needs of both you and your child is likely to be most constructive.

The two roles of a parent in effective discipline

Because of your child’s needs, your role in effective parenting is divided.

The role that cares, protects and nurtures is called the caring or nurturing role. The role that provides structure, rules, values and behavioral expectations is referred to as the executive or in-charge role.

A balance between these two roles is essential for healthy parenting.

Your strength in these roles helps provide the controls and sense of security that ensures your child’s safety and self-esteem. Your confidence as a parent comes when you deeply believe that your request is valid and reasonable, regardless of whether or not your child wants to comply.

The crucial element here is that your expectations should be appropriate to your child’s age, maturity level, developmental stage and temperament as well as the situational factors that may be at work.

You will also need to adjust your disciplining as your child grows and changes.

Always pleasing your child is not part of your job!

It is okay if your child resists or protests when you determine that a behavior must be stopped or started.

You are not being abusive or wrong to need to change a diaper, insist on shoes being worn in the winter or declare that passengers must be safely secured when you drive.

Consequences teach an effective lesson in discipline

Consequences set clear limits and encourage the building of trustworthiness and a sense of responsibility. They can empower a child with information and provide the opportunity to make amends and regain status, privileges and appropriate power.

Consequences can be either natural or imposed.

A natural consequence is something that happens as a result of your child’s action or inaction. For example, if your child flies his new kite after you tell him not to because the wind is too strong, and the kite is ruined as a result, that is a natural consequence.

An imposed consequence involves an assertive response from you. For example, if your child breaks a window because he ignored the family rule about throwing rocks, you may decide his allowance for the next week will go toward fixing it. It is important that the imposed consequence require a child to be responsible and make amends that makes sense regarding the situation.

Time-outs and grounding

Correctly used time-outs are meant to give a child who has lost control a chance to calm and regroup by temporarily removing him from a situation.

A time-out should feel accepting, gentle and firm, not punitive. If you use a time-out, a healthy message to send is:

“I see someone who needs a little time to calm down and get collected. I insist that you take a break to let yourself cool off, but you’re certainly welcome to come back. If you need it, I’ll sit with you while you take this break.”

The same principle is true for older children where time-outs are usually called grounding. Grounding should say to children that they need time to reorganize and get themselves under control.

The parent is also assuming authority by refusing to let a child overstep certain boundaries or act irresponsibly.

The most effective grounding allows the child opportunities to “earn” back trust and make amends as the condition for the discontinuation of the grounding rather than imposing a set amount of time for it.

Using natural or imposed consequences helps your child appreciate the value of trust and trustworthiness. It places responsibility where it belongs and keeps your child accountable to make amends and rebuild the trust that has been broken.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1.         Define the problem

2.         Determine who owns the problem

3.         Assume an assertive in-charge stance

4.         Set limits, enforce rules, determine and impose appropriate consequences

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

I-Messages communicate your feelings and perspectives in a respectful, less challenging way when:

• your child’s attitude or behavior is unacceptable to you
• you are trying to modify another’s behavior or attitude
• you own a problem involving another person

The 6-step formula of an effective I-Message

The most effective I-Message is clear and specific.

• State the specific, objective facts…no generalizations or zingers.

Example:

We agreed last week you would feed the dog every night by 5:00. Last night she did not get her dinner until after 8:00.

• State your feelings without attacking, judging, criticizing, or ascribing motives.

Example:

I feel disappointed when I discover the dog has not been fed. I feel sad for her.

• Describe the actual or potential negative impact.

Example of actual impact:

As a result, I don’t feel like I can trust you to feed her. I don’t like feeling this way about you.

Example of potential impact:

When you tell me you will feed the dog and then don’t do it, it makes it hard for me to trust you the next time you make a promise.

• Provide a fair request; describe the behavior that would correct the situation, making sure the request is reasonable for this specific child. Be clear and specific.

Example:

I expect you to feed her by 5:00 every night, and for the next week I would like you to tell me when you have fed her so there is no question in my mind.

• Describe a positive impact.

Example:

Once I know you can do this every night on time without a reminder from me, I will be able to trust you more for this and other times you make a promise.

• Request feedback; Listen respectfully and appreciate perspectives. Accept explanations, challenge excuses.

Example:

Would you like to tell me how you feel about this?

Example of responding to an explanation:

I hear that the time just got away from you and that you are really sorry that you did not carry out your commitment.

Example of challenging an excuse:

I understand that people sometimes forget to do things they promised to do, however when that happens, they need to correct their mistake and accept responsibility for making it.

I-Messages work better with reasoning of older children

As you can see, an I-Message is used within consideration of the age and stage of development of your child.

So, a toddler who does not yet have the capability to reason would not be the target of an I-Message that expects him to change.

The perfectly normal yet difficult to cope with behaviors such as impulsive and aggressive hitting, biting and throwing of objects may need more limit-setting responses from parents than the use of I-Messages.

Since in an I-Message  you state what you are thinking and feeling, a father experiencing frustration over a toddler’s age-appropriate negative behavior can use an I-Message to vent without expecting that the toddler change. “I am so annoyed that I cannot be on the phone for even one minute without you touching things that are dangerous because I can’t finish my phone business.”

You-Messages

Destructive “You” messages are used by the speaker to put-down the child or control him. “You never listen,” or, “You should have set your alarm to remind you,”  can diminish self-confidence and the health of the relationship.

These messages do not build your child’s Iceberg.

On the other hand, in your executive role as parent, it is often appropriate to use a take-charge message. Therefore, for reasons of your child’s safety, or when you assume the role of disciplinarian and speak from authority, a “you” message may be appropriate.

“You are going to do this my way now because I am the parent, and this is not open for discussion or negotiation at this moment.” This stance of being in charge is healthy and appropriate when a child needs help through an external control.

At times you may use you-messages with the teaching hat. This kind of message becomes appropriate when you provide information or explain values.

Such interactions are appropriate and valuable for you and your child. It is also both reasonable and necessary for you to convey, in a non-threatening way, the potential consequences of your child’s behavior: “If you pull the kitty’s tail, I will take her out of the room because in our family, we do not hurt our pets.”

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Define the problem
2. Determine who owns the problem
3. Consider the desired outcome
4. Communicate your perspective without attacking, blaming, accusing or taking control

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Questions can help to clarify, help process information, or communicate interest and involvement.

Yet, most people are unaware of the potential subtle impact of some questions to blame, shame, intimidate, accuse or create power struggles.

Consider not only the effect of any given question but also the impact of the number of questions being asked in any given conversation. Although each individual question may be benign, the overall impact of asking many questions can be intimidating in itself.

Even the best questions can begin to feel like probes when there are too many of them.

To some extent, any question implies power. When someone asks a question of another, there is some degree of directiveness on the part of the questioner. Asking questions is also a way to take control of a conversation.

When you want to be clear

When questions are necessary it is important to be clear about your intentions. It is legitimate for a question to be used to clarify something. For example: “Did that happen to you yesterday or last week?” The less challenging the question is, the less defensiveness it will cause.

It is important to consider the following to determine appropriate questioning:

1. What is the purpose of asking?
2. Is it clear?
3. Did you avoid questions that intimidate, accuse, advise or are rhetorical?
4. Is it open-ended?
5. Is it relevant?
6. Is it useful?
7. How free is the responder to refuse to answer?

Appropriate and healthy questioning

In order to ask sincere, helpful questions, you need to be:

• Genuinely interested in the child’s perspectives or opinions
• Want to encourage her to explore and discover something
• Are tuned in to the situation
• Conscious of tone of voice and body language
• Sensitive to the overall context in which the question is asked.
• Timing is also important. (The same questions may be threatening in one situation but welcome in another.)

A question is appropriate when it promotes an effective, fair dialogue.

Questions are often used when wearing the teaching hat. For example, the person teaching might ask, “Why do you think that is the case?” in order to encourage learning.

Questions can be a part of effective discipline. For example: “How can you change the way you said that to be more respectful?”

Questions are a major part of the problem exploration hat as a person brainstorms a variety of lists. For example: “What might each person be feeling?”

Questions can be a part of sharing. For example, “How was your vacation?”

So, with four of the 7 Healthy Hats of communication often involving questions, questions can serve a healthy purpose.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1.         First use Active Listening.

2.         Consider your child’s age, stage and temperament.

3.         Consider the impact and timing of your question.

4.         Participate when ready.

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Awareness is the first step in avoiding inappropriate RESS-Q.

Replace RESS-Q with Active Listening–the powerful tool that grows your child’s emotional health.

“RESS-Qing” the child from disclosing painful feelings, or causing her to express peace and happiness as a result of pain, fear, or struggles because these feelings are too uncomfortable for the parent to hear curtails communication from your child and leaves her with negative feelings and frustration.

It takes practice not to use RESS-Q

First, allow yourself time to increase your Active Listening skills. The more you use Active Listening, the more natural it will become for you to use when needed in everyday situations, and subsequently, the easier it will be to stifle inappropriate RESS-Qing.

When you trust and allow Active Listening as your first response, you will get a “feel” for if and when other forms of communication will be appropriate.

Preventing a RESS-Q response means you do not:

• Reassure
• Explain
• Solve
• Share
• Question

Why? A potential negative impact exists for each form of RESS-Q. See why…

REASSURE

This form of communication may send the message that the child should be fully capable of handling the situation and suggests it is time to move on.

Examples:

• It’s going to be all right; I’m sure.
• You can handle this.
• Things like this happen. You’ll feel better tomorrow.

EXPLAIN

This form of communication places the focus on the situation and suggests the person consider things at an intellectual level rather than a feeling level. It also tells her she should consider why things are this way in order to encourage her to give up on her feelings about it.

Examples:

• The reason this might have happened is…
• You must learn to turn the other cheek.
• Maybe the other children were having a tough morning.

SOLVE

This form of communication denies the importance of venting feelings. As with explaining, it directs the person to think rather than allowing her to feel. Unsolicited suggestions almost always feel like a criticism. It may tell her she is not capable of handling the situation.

Examples:

• A way to handle this is…
• Have you thought about trying to…
• The first thing you do when a fight is about to start is…

SHARE

This form of communication shifts the attention from the person speaking to the person who was supposedly Listening, changing the focus and the flow of conversation. It can then be difficult for the speaker to shift back to talking about himself, so he may stop authentically sharing and processing.

Examples:

• I know just how you feel. That happened to me…
• It certainly would make me feel upset. I know I’d want to make sure something was done about it.

QUESTION

This form of communication shifts the control of the conversation from the speaker to the listener. It can interrupt the process in several ways: it makes the speaker accountable to the listener, it can change the direction of the conversation, and it can make the speaker move from a feeling mode to a thinking mode.

Examples:

• Why did you do that?
• How do you feel about that?
• Why didn’t you avoid them in the first place?

Note that each part of RESS-Q is a healthy hat of communication. When something other than Listening is needed, there are appropriate times to Reassure and affirm, Explain or teach, Solve or suggest, Share as a way to connect, and ask Questions to invite someone to explore.

The value of being heard

There are infinite responses to most situations. The Listener’s job is to focus on those responses that will be the most meaningful and helpful to the speaker.

RESS-Qing is much less effective in allowing the speaker to feel heard, understood, accepted and appreciated. So you can see how you benefit from knowing RESS-Q in order to do Active Listening well.

When you send messages of acceptance and availability to your child, your relationship with her has its best opportunity to develop and grow.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. First use Observer Role to become aware of your inner pull to solve or quickly cover your child’s pain
2. Be clear about the five potential RESS-Q responses you need to avoid
3. Determine which type of Active Listening is needed
4. Allow the child to own her feelings without having to solve an immediate problem

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Active Listening is a specific and refined skill of communication. It is more than simply hearing what the speaker (your child or another adult) is saying. It requires hearing at a deeper level and sending back clear, fully attending, nonjudgmental messages that are a legitimate expression of the speaker’s feelings and experience.

Besides creating more complete communication between people, it promotes trust and raises the self-esteem of the speaker and the listener.

Appreciating the power of Active Listening

In Active Listening, the speaker is allowed to release stored emotions constructively. If these stored feelings are not adequately released, they can block the speaker’s ability to see a situation objectively or discern how to solve problems.

When allowed to ventilate feelings in a climate of validation and acceptance, often the speaker’s feelings will lose their intensity and become less overwhelming. Catharsis occurs without reassurance or advice on the part of the Listener, just through the Listening process itself.

The story example below illustrates the power of the “container” type of Active Listening:

At age five, my daughter was at a neighbor’s house one morning and was taken by the neighbor to her racquetball club and left with the babysitter there.

When my daughter came home, I only needed one look in her eyes to see that something had happened to her. After my neighbor left, she burst into tears. My daughter spoke through choking sobs as I cradled her in my arms.

In the playroom, she had climbed onto a bench. The bench tipped and she fell off it. Then the babysitter yelled at her. Frightened and hurt, she had run to the bathroom and closed herself inside. For an hour or more, she was in a strange place taken there by another mother. She was left alone with some new lady who yelled at her at a time when she was frightened and scared, and she had no idea how long it would last. No wonder she was so upset!

As I held her, I echoed back what I heard. More facts and feelings came tumbling out. “The other kids were climbing on the bench too…They didn’t get yelled at. Only me! I was scared and hurt when I fell…It was dark and smelled bad in the bathroom…You weren’t there…I was afraid the lady would find me…I could hear the other kids playing…I didn’t want anyone to hear me crying…I was so scared…I couldn’t call you.”

My acknowledgments freed her to let out more and more. I reflected her feelings as I repeated her story, “You felt so alone…You wanted me to come…” and her perceptions: “It was smelly and scary…You didn’t want to be found out.” “I wanted YOU to come and you didn’t!” she yelled at me. “You are angry that I couldn’t come to you.”

Internally, I was preparing to give her advice (“Maybe you should have…”) or reassure her (“It’s not such a big deal, Honey; everyone has scary experiences.”) I wanted to explain away the babysitter’s behavior (“Maybe she has a naturally loud voice.”)  Stifling those thoughts took some effort, but I was determined just to listen.

We talked until my daughter seemed to be finished spilling her feelings.

It was time for her to get ready for kindergarten. I wondered if she would be too upset to separate again, but she left without a word of protest.

I waited anxiously for her return, wanting to “be there” for her.

She bounced in later, bubbling about her afternoon. I was astounded! Was this the same child who had sobbed so pathetically just a few hours before?

I asked her how she was feeling. “Fine, why?” she asked. “I mean, about this morning.” She paused, as if trying to figure out what I meant. “Oh, that.  I’m okay now. It was pretty scary, but it’s okay now.”

THAT is catharsis.  Be prepared when it happens, it can be awesome!

The 5 types of Active Listening

There are five major processes of Active Listening. One or more may occur during an Active Listening interchange. The following object images may help you picture each of the 5:

Movie Ticket:

The Listener behaves as though watching a movie: observes attentively, responds nonverbally using attentive body language, and notes details without giving specific comments back to the speaker. (Nodding and saying, “hmmm,” for example.)

Mirror:

The Listener acts as a mirror to help the speaker see himself and his situation more clearly. This mirror also has the power to telescope to see the bigger picture and to microscope to see things in fine detail. (“So, what happened first…”)

Container:

The Listener figuratively holds out a container and collects whatever the speaker wants to unload, providing a safe place to discharge feelings. (“This was very painful for you to watch…”)

Computer:

The Listener acts as computer processor by organizing, sorting, arranging priorities, identifying values, needs, feelings, issues, or expectations. (“While you were unsure, you were also trying to clarify your role…”)

Little Book of Wisdom:

The Listener states a principle or truth that reflects the speaker’s issues, needs, feelings, values, expectations or perspective. (“Sometimes it is very hard to step back and allow natural consequences to take place…”)

Acceptance is the heart and soul of Active Listening.

Acceptance does not necessarily mean you agree with what you are hearing, but rather, it expresses a nonjudgmental attitude. Your acceptance of what is being heard is conveyed through words, relaxed body language, appropriate eye contact (sometimes people want constant eye contact, sometimes, none at all) and facial expressions.

Once you experience the speaker’s catharsis, observe that he or she will likely be ready to move on to something else.

The speaker’s feelings may be about a problem situation, but could as well be about something exciting or happy.

In either instance, Active Listening is an intimate and trusting experience for both the speaker and listener.

Try these sentence starters when using Active Listening. These sample statements underscore a myriad of possible responses for listeners:

• You wish…
• It hurt you…
• You didn’t expect…
• It bothers you that…
• You’re worried/concerned that…
• It seems unfair that…
• You can’t understand…
• You don’t know…
• You are working to…
• You think the other person is feeling/ needing/ worrying about/ trying to /expecting…
• The tension seems to be coming from…
• What you think might happen because of this is…
• If things could be different, you’d feel…

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Determine which type of Active Listening is needed
2. Take the time and give the attention
3. Respond appropriately with nonverbal messages and verbal Listening statements
4. Allow each person the freedom to share and process freely

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

When used appropriately, these seven hats have the potential to promote and preserve self-esteem to build emotional health and strong relationships between parents and children.

The “trick” is to wear the right hat at the right time.

For example, a parent puts on the Listening hat when a child needs to be heard and accepted, in an almost magical way, the communication becomes healthy and effective.

It is important to remember that your response might be quite different from that of another parent even in a similar situation because parents have different styles, perceptions, values and expectations. Therefore, there may be more than one healthy response.

The ultimate evaluation of the appropriateness or effectiveness of the interaction is the degree to which needs were met; emotional health was promoted for all; and fairness, safety, and trust were maintained in the relationship.

The 7 Hats

1. Active Listening Hat:

Active Listening promotes self-esteem and emotional health and healthy relationships through messages that show attention, awareness, acceptance, appreciation, and acknowledgment. Active Listening statements reflect a person’s experience, feelings, perspectives, or other messages, communicating that the speaker is aware, interested and respectful.

Examples:

• You sound very worried about that.
• You aren’t sure what to do next.

Use Active Listening when your child has a problem, exhibits intense feelings, or would benefit from an opportunity to feel heard and appreciated. Active Listening helps your child feel accepted, understood, appreciated, respected, capable and valuable—powerful messages.

2.      Affirming Hat:

The Affirming Hat provides reassurance, safety, nurture and praise. Affirmations nurture a child by verifying and validating her innate character, an accomplishment, the value of her intentions or potential to do well. Caution: used too soon or without sufficient Active Listening, affirmations can be ineffective. Inappropriate affirmations can also be experienced as put-downs if they are said at the wrong time.

Examples:

• You are doing that so well by yourself.
• You have followed the directions step-by-step and now it is almost finished; congratulations!

Use affirmations when your child would benefit from having her core belief system built up with positive images. The result is your child’s sense of self is clarified and she develops an improved sense of rights, respect for her needs and permission to be self-accepting.

3.      Teaching Hat:

The Teaching Hat encourages new awareness and understanding, promotes a sense of connection, feelings of power through knowledge, a sense of capability, and the ability to develop personal values. Teaching provides relevant information to guide your child so he can better understand the world and the family values you wish him to adopt.

Example:

• When you walk through the grass in our bare feet, you can accidentally step on something sharp and get a cut.

Use teaching when your child needs information about the world, principles, relationships, values, priorities and help of expressing himself. The result is that your child can feel more empowered, clear, included, trusted, and encouraged to process his own ideas and to think about the world. Caution: used too soon, teaching can sound like criticism, nagging or a lecture.

4.      I-Messages Hat:

Use the I-Messages Hat to clarify your point of view and perceptions for your child, model self-respect, give your child a way to give back and keeps lines of communication open. I-Messages provide you with a way to share your perspective, needs, feelings and concerns with another. Your child can benefit from understanding the impact she is having on you. Caution: used without Active Listening or nurturing, an I-Message can make the child believe that her needs are not of much importance.

Examples:

• When you throw the ball in the house, it upsets me because I’m afraid something will get broken. I expect you to throw the ball outside.
• I felt so proud when the teacher told me you had been very kind to the new child in the class. That shows that you can be very caring.

I-Messages are used twofold: when you own a problem and are finding a behavior to be unacceptable, and, to praise specific behavior by sharing your perspective.

Through I-Messages you are better able to clarify feelings and expectations. In addition, your child gets the opportunity to work on remedying the situation and learns a healthy way of expressing her own feelings.

5.      Disciplining and Limit-setting Hat

The Disciplining and Limit-setting Hat provides structure, sets and enforces limits and rules and healthy compliance to authority. Healthy discipline involves establishing rules and limits to promote a safe environment where needs feelings, perspectives and rights of others are preserved and respected. As a result injuries (physical, emotional or relational) are prevented; or, if they do occur, are managed fairly.

The ultimate goal is for your child to become self-disciplined.

Examples:

• The rule is no hitting.

 Use discipline and limit-setting when your child needs outside limits. The result is that your child feels safer having his impulses controlled and knows that your rules promote stability and fairness for everyone. Caution: Used too soon or without some form of nurturing and support, discipline can make your child feel ignored, unloved and unfairly treated.

6.      Problem Exploration Hat:

The Problem Exploration Hat promotes connection, healthy power and creativity. It is a wonderful tool for children to learn to use on their own.

Example:

• We have a problem here. Let’s sit down together and look at it in as many ways as we can.

Problem exploration is a chance for you and your child to figure out together what caused the injury and how to prevent more in the future. Caution: If the process is started too soon, the child will not be ready to concentrate on it and will not feel his needs are being attended.

Use problem exploration when it would be helpful for both of you to get a broader and clearer picture. The result is that each of you can clarify perspectives and experiences and feel important.

7.      Sharing Hat:

The Sharing Hat promotes connection. Sharing is a way for you to tell your child about your own similar experiences. Use sharing when your child would benefit from and enjoy connecting through stories, experiences, play or work. The result is that each of you feels connected and bonded.

Example:

• This reminds me of when I first went to school. I can remember how scared I was when….

Playing with your child is an extremely important form of sharing interaction because much of your child’s learning and expressing occurs during play. Caution: If done too soon, your child will feel ignored and unimportant, as though the focus of attention is on you.

The hat trick:  switching from hat to hat

Although it is important to understand that these 7 Hats are distinct, it is also important to see that they can be blended.

For example, you could say:

“It can be very frustrating to want to go out on a nice day like this and then to be told you have to put this basket of laundry away first [Active Listening]. You can do a very efficient job because once you decide to do something, you are able to do it well [affirming].  The rule is, however, no playing outside until the laundry is put away [disciplining]. I remember wishing we had a maid who would just do all the jobs around the house that I hated to do [sharing].  I’ll be back in a few minutes to check on you and when it is done, you can go out” [disciplining].

Using the 7 Hats takes some practice, but will build your relationship with your child and make her Iceberg strong.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

            1.         Become familiar with the variety of communication Hats

            2.         Learn the healthy uses of each Hat

            3.         Change to the appropriate Hat as necessary

            4.         Be aware of the timing as you choose to use each Hat

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Children’s core belief systems develop through a complex step-by-step process. They receive messages, analyze them with the rudimentary tools they have available, categorize them, and eventually use them to make basic decisions about themselves, other people, and their world and life in general.

It is in the core belief system that each child determines how okay he or she is: how lovable, capable, trust-worthy, unique, powerful, connected, and worthwhile. Here children hold their attitudes about the world and the value of life and about how safe and predictable others are.

A positive core belief system is essential to the foundation of each child’s Iceberg.

If children are told that they are much loved just because they exist in a family, that their needs are okay, and that they can take their time to grow, a pathway is formed that over time allows similar healthy messages easily to travel down and be integrated in the core belief system.

If children are able to believe that they are worthwhile, deserving people because they exist, then they eventually have a permanent roadway that allows similar messages to enter and be absorbed.

Conversely, if a child has consistently received and absorbed negative messages and then is suddenly offered affirming ones, his negative pathways may not permit the affirming messages into his core belief system. Negative messages deep within his being can block affirming, nurturing messages throughout his life unless he receives consistent believable messages that build a new pathway to block the old, toxic beliefs.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Just as your child is regularly absorbing his complex set of messages, his core belief system sends messages to the rest of the world. He will transmit positive, healthy messages if those are the kind of messages he has received.

However, it is difficult to stop unfair or untrue outgoing messages if the pathways allow easy passage of unhealthy messages.

The destructive process of having received primarily negative, unhealthy messages produces stronger and stronger pathways over which such messages travel in and out. The process itself becomes its own self-destructive and self-fulfilling prophecy.

A critical goal of healthy parenting is to intentionally build a healthy core belief system with corresponding pathways, promoting rapid transit of healthy messages within and without your child—a strong, healthy “message-transit system” he will carry into adulthood.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Appreciate that your child is gradually creating an inner core belief system that will guide him as he moves through life
2. Appreciate that you, too, operate from a core belief system
3. Use your awareness of your Whole Child, using ADUMS and MRS PIES to guide you in building a healthy core belief system
4. Intentionally transmit healthy messages

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Understanding your child’s temperament helps you respond better to him especially during challenges.

By understanding how your child interacts with the world, you are better able to accept your child and be relieved of unfair guilt regarding his behavior that is temperament-driven.

What is temperament?

The term temperament refers to the behavioral style or manner of the child. Temperament traits may be divided into three categories and occur in varying degree: 1) the easy child, 2) the slow-to-warm child, and 3) the spirited, more challenging child.

1. The temperamentally easy child is generally positive in mood and reaction to new stimuli, is fairly adaptable, mildly reactive and has regular biological functions. This child quickly develops regular sleeping and eating patterns, takes to new foods easily and smoothly makes transitions to new situations.
2. The temperamentally slow-to-warm child is more moderate in mood and reactions. Mainly, this child has slow adaptability and is often considered shy or cautious. This child can evoke frustration in unaware parents or teachers; however, when given enough time to adjust and adapt to new situations and changes without undue pressure, the slow-to-warm child can show quiet and positive interest and find safe ways to engage.
3. The temperamentally spirited or more challenging child is characterized by a combination of extremes in temperament, such as irregularity in biological functions, a strong withdrawal response to new stimuli, poor adaptability to change, a predominately negative mood, high levels and a high intensity of positive or negative response. It is important to remember that these traits are difficult for your child as well as for you.

Goodness-of-fit: accepting your and your child’s temperament traits

Parents may have a natural tendency to place greater value on certain temperament characteristics. Then, when parents’ expectations and a child’s temperament traits do not mesh, it can be difficult for both parent and child to accept one another.

A goodness-of-fit between a child and his parents occurs when his temperamental characteristics and capacities mesh well with his parents’ temperamental traits. Parents more easily embrace who their child is temperamentally. This good fit usually results in healthy emotional development and functioning. For parents whose temperaments differ from their child, acceptance may require more understanding and intentionality.

How you interact with your child is affected by your and your child’s temperaments. For example, highly active parents may not even be aware of the high activity level of their child. The goal is not to change the child’s temperament but to minimize stress and develop coping strategies for traits that are more challenging.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS

1. Know the characteristics of your child’s age and stage of development, using ADUMS and MRS PIES
2. Use the Observer Role and reframe as necessary
3. Strengthen your child’s Iceberg
4. Establish fair and appropriate expectations using your assessments.

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Understand Your Child’s Temperament to Help You Nurture and Discipline

By understanding how your child interacts with the world, you are better able to accept your child and be relieved of unfair guilt regarding his behavior that is temperament-driven.

Understanding your child’s temperament helps you respond better to him especially during challenges. Children do not choose their temperamental blueprints. Temperament is born as part of your whole child.

What is temperament?

The term temperament refers to the behavioral style or manner of the child. Temperament traits may be divided into three categories and occur in varying degree: 1) the easy child, 2) the slow-to-warm child, and 3) the spirited, more challenging child.

1. The temperamentally easy child is generally positive in mood and reaction to new stimuli, is fairly adaptable, mildly reactive and has regular biological functions. This child quickly develops regular sleeping and eating patterns, takes to new foods easily and smoothly makes transitions to new situations.

1. The temperamentally slow-to-warm child is more moderate in mood and reactions. Mainly, this child has slow adaptability and is often considered shy or cautious. This child can evoke frustration in unaware parents or teachers; however, when given enough time to adjust and adapt to new situations and changes without undue pressure, the slow-to-warm child can show quiet and positive interest and find safe ways to engage.

1. The temperamentally spirited or more challenging child is characterized by a combination of extremes in temperament, such as irregularity in biological functions, a strong withdrawal response to new stimuli, poor adaptability to change, a predominately negative mood, high levels and a high intensity of positive or negative response. It is important to remember that these traits are difficult for your child as well as for you.

Goodness-of-fit: accepting your and your child’s temperament traits

Parents may have a natural tendency to place greater value on certain temperament characteristics. Then, when parents’ expectations and a child’s temperament traits do not mesh, it can be difficult for both parent and child to accept one another.

A goodness-of-fit between a child and his parents occurs when his temperamental characteristics and capacities mesh well with his parents’ temperamental traits. Parents more easily embrace who their child is temperamentally. This good fit usually results in healthy emotional development and functioning. For parents whose temperaments differ from their child, acceptance may require more understanding and intentionality.

How you interact with your child is affected by your and your child’s temperaments. For example, highly active parents may not even be aware of the high activity level of their child. The goal is not to change the child’s temperament but to minimize stress and develop coping strategies for traits that are more challenging.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS

1. Know the characteristics of your child’s age and stage of development, using ADUMS and MRS PIES
2. Use the Observer Role and reframe as necessary
3. Strengthen your child’s Iceberg
4. Establish fair and appropriate expectations using your assessments.

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Understand Your Child’s Temperament to Help You Nurture and Discipline

By understanding how your child interacts with the world, you are better able to accept your child and be relieved of unfair guilt regarding his behavior that is temperament-driven.

Understanding your child’s temperament helps you respond better to him especially during challenges. Children do not choose their temperamental blueprints. Temperament is born as part of your whole child.

What is temperament?

The term temperament refers to the behavioral style or manner of the child. Temperament traits may be divided into three categories and occur in varying degree: 1) the easy child, 2) the slow-to-warm child, and 3) the spirited, more challenging child.

1. The temperamentally easy child is generally positive in mood and reaction to new stimuli, is fairly adaptable, mildly reactive and has regular biological functions. This child quickly develops regular sleeping and eating patterns, takes to new foods easily and smoothly makes transitions to new situations.

1. The temperamentally slow-to-warm child is more moderate in mood and reactions. Mainly, this child has slow adaptability and is often considered shy or cautious. This child can evoke frustration in unaware parents or teachers; however, when given enough time to adjust and adapt to new situations and changes without undue pressure, the slow-to-warm child can show quiet and positive interest and find safe ways to engage.

1. The temperamentally spirited or more challenging child is characterized by a combination of extremes in temperament, such as irregularity in biological functions, a strong withdrawal response to new stimuli, poor adaptability to change, a predominately negative mood, high levels and a high intensity of positive or negative response. It is important to remember that these traits are difficult for your child as well as for you.

Goodness-of-fit: accepting your and your child’s temperament traits

Parents may have a natural tendency to place greater value on certain temperament characteristics. Then, when parents’ expectations and a child’s temperament traits do not mesh, it can be difficult for both parent and child to accept one another.

A goodness-of-fit between a child and his parents occurs when his temperamental characteristics and capacities mesh well with his parents’ temperamental traits. Parents more easily embrace who their child is temperamentally. This good fit usually results in healthy emotional development and functioning. For parents whose temperaments differ from their child, acceptance may require more understanding and intentionality.

How you interact with your child is affected by your and your child’s temperaments. For example, highly active parents may not even be aware of the high activity level of their child. The goal is not to change the child’s temperament but to minimize stress and develop coping strategies for traits that are more challenging.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS

1. Know the characteristics of your child’s age and stage of development, using ADUMS and MRS PIES
2. Use the Observer Role and reframe as necessary
3. Strengthen your child’s Iceberg
4. Establish fair and appropriate expectations using your assessments.

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Without being articulated, understood or even realized, your underlying issues can color your relationship with your child and can affect her behavior.

Underlying issues typically are the result of chronically unmet needs or deep unhealed wounds that spill out onto other areas of life.

Diffusing underlying issues

Underlying issues usually exist as combinations of issues. For example separation may be tied to rejection, sexuality to communication, and anger to power.

When you become aware of feelings arising from issues that are being triggered for you, you are in a much better position to monitor your reaction and acknowledge that you are dealing with more than just the present situation. This awareness can diffuse the intensity of the reaction and free you to deal with the underlying issues.

Some basic underlying issues parents may face

• Abandonment
• Abuse
• Attachment
• Attitudes
• Balancing
• Boundaries
• Clarity
• Communication
• Competition
• Confidence
• Control
• Credit
• Criticism
• Decisions
• Discipline
• Exhaustion
• Expectations
• Fairness (Justice)
• Family of Origin
• Feelings and Emotions
• Guilt
• Hyper-vigilance
• Images versus Reality
• Isolation
• Loyalty
• Magical Thinking
• Marital Conflicts
• Maturity
• Needs
• Privacy
• Rejection
• Respect
• Responsibility
• Self-esteem
• Separation
• Sexuality
• Temperament
• Territory

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1.         First use the Observer Role

2.         Consider possible underlying issues and needs

3.         Reframe as necessary

4.         Strengthen your child’s Iceberg

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

To parent most effectively you need to recognize the many dynamics associated with your child’s growth and development. Seeing your child’s blueprint helps you understand the relationships of growth dynamics to your “whole child.”

How is this viewpoint helpful?

• You gain a fairer view of your child by considering the multi-dimensional perspective of development, uniqueness, environment and maturity.
• Your expand awareness and understanding when you take into account that your child is developing in many areas simultaneously.

ADUMS

To appreciate your whole child, be aware of the following five major areas

A = Ages and stages,

D = Developmental tasks

U = Uniqueness

M = Maturity levels, and

S = Situational factors (ADUMS)

MRS PIES

For each of the five areas of ADUMS, parents can consider their child:

M = Morally

R = Relationally

S = Spiritually

P = Physically

I = Intellectually

E = Emotionally, and

S = Socially (MRS PIES)

Ages and Stages (the “A” in ADUMS)

Certain children’s behaviors are characteristic of specific ages. For example, many toddlers become fearful about being sucked down the drain when the water goes out of the bathtub, an intellectual (the “I” in Mrs. Pies) aspect of an age and stage.

Parents can learn more about predictable age-related stages, including the ways children cycle in and out of equilibrium and disequilibrium and being more inward-focused or more outward-focused, by reading some of the many books on child development.

Developmental Tasks (the “D” in ADUMS)

Developmental tasks are the broader jobs of childhood, during which children are propelled into learning life skills.

Each of these can be considered in terms of MRS PIES. (This list of the developmental tasks for the ages between birth and adolescence is adapted from author, Dorothy Corkhill Briggs, Your Child’s Self-Esteem.)

Tasks of the early years (ages 2 to 6):

• establish separateness and autonomy
• gain achievement and recognition
• develop attachment to opposite-sexed parent

Tasks of the middle years (ages 6 to 12):

• form preference for and identification with others of same sex
• extend mastery and autonomy
• define self through reflections of people outside the family
• take adult role models of the same sex
• form a conscience

Tasks of the adolescent years (ages 12 and up):

• establish final independence from family and age mates
• learn how to relate to the opposite sex
• prepare for an occupation
• establish a workable and meaningful philosophy of life

Your child’s uniqueness

Your child’s unique inborn temperament, learning style, brain dominance, and other qualities will affect how she behaves moving through various stages and working on various tasks. Each aspect of MRS PIES will reflect your child’s uniqueness.

Maturity levels and MRS PIES

Maturity represents how motivated and capable a child is with regard to a task.

As children move through their Ages and Stages of growth (Morally, Relationally, Spiritually, Physically, Intellectually, Emotionally and Socially—MRS PIES) and work on completing their developmental tasks with their many unique qualities, and are influenced by life’s situational factors, their levels of maturity in each aspect will impact how easily they accomplish tasks.

For example, a child with a high level of social maturity will find it easier to build peer relationships than a child who is less socially mature.

Situational factors

Situational factors are the many circumstances that occur in a child’s world:

• birth order
• dynamics of rules and structure of the child’s family
• the family’s socio-economic situation
• a child’s neighborhood
• accidents or illnesses
• people who influence him or her

Situational factors will touch each aspect of a child’s MRS PIES growth process.

What it means to appreciate the whole child

Children tend to grow in bursts or spurts. If you look at your child at any given moment considering ADUMS and MRS PIES and growth spurts, you get a true picture of your child at that moment: quite amazing and complicated!

With this understanding of your “whole child,” you are in a much better position to decide what an emotionally and relationally healthy response might be in a given situation. You are more equipped to help keep your child’s Iceberg strong.

We encourage parents to remember that the description of any child will change over time. This knowledge and appreciation for the whole child also can help lessen your sense of disappointment or frustration for challenging behaviors that really are not intentional on your child’s part.

A word about brain development

Strong and healthy brain wiring appears to occur when children receive abundant love from those who are caregivers. It is influenced by genuine responses to a child’s needs and being surrounded by trustworthy, caring people. We need to create environments for children that are “brain-wiring friendly.”

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Become more aware of the characteristics associated with your child’s age and stage of development using ADUMS and MRS PIES
2. Remember that change takes place over time in the context of relationships
3. Use the Observer Role and reframe responses as necessary
4. Appreciate why your child behaves as he does so you may nurture and strengthen his  Iceberg
5. Establish fair and appropriate expectations using your assessments

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

© All rights reserved, Diane Wagenhals, IPED, 2009.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

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