Parenting Tips | Lakeside Educational Network

Fair giving to others in relationships involves the degree to which safety, trust, love, respect, appreciation and other emotional and relational “food” is offered and received.

Just as you can nurture, support, or empower in your relationships, you can neglect or abuse yourself or others. The consequences when neglect and abuse occur can be dire.

The reason a person can or cannot give or receive fairly in a relationship is almost always found , in his or her history of giving and receiving.

The degree to which there is a fair balance of give and take in a family’s relationships is called the Ethical Dimension, a brilliant theory of relationships created by Ivan Boszorme-Nagy, founder of Contextual Therapy. It respects a family’s legacies and the impact of the ethical dimensions of these relationships on future generations.

Think about the balance of giving and receiving in your family over the course of generations.

When parents give fairly and appropriately to a child in one generation, that child is then freed to give fairly and appropriately to his own children.

Giving to and receiving from others in a fair and balanced way earns a person constructive entitlement—the right to give and receive fairly in all relationships including the one you have within yourself.

Conversely, when parents neglect or hurt their children, these grown children earn entitlement, or the ethical right to compensation called destructive entitlement. This compensation (destructive entitlement) can have hurtful implications for others, including the children themselves.

The person who has earned destructive entitlement is not obligated to give fairly to others or to himself because he has an ethical “claim” to redeem. This redemptive process has a destructive impact. If the person cashes in the claim, others are hurt. Yet, if it is not cashed in, he or she is cheated.

These entitlements are not about feelings of entitlement. They are about earned rights that exist within a person.

Often people are unaware that they and others do what they do because earned entitlements are the underlying forces behind behaviors.

Children fairly given to, who also are encouraged to give both within and outside the family according to their own developmental levels and abilities, learn that such giving results in a positive spiral of self-validation, self-worth and the freedom to act.

In contrast, children who are discouraged from giving earn destructive entitlement, along with a lack of validation that promotes low self-worth and lessened abilities to give fairly in other relationships, along with an ethically earned right to be less trustworthy.

Children don’t give back in equal measure

Children give on a scale all their own. Because a child’s resources are limited, parents may not recognize the importance of a child’s offerings nor the value of the parent’s appreciation for those offerings.

Presents can be given in the form of help around the house, drawings, special rocks, hugs, favors, apologies, attempts to make amends, and through words of love and comfort. The important element to recognize is that children are learning how to give and are receiving credit for their giving.

In this dynamic of fair giving and receiving, children have opportunities to give and have their gifts accepted and valued while simultaneously receiving appropriate nurturing. This process earns them constructive entitlement.

Children who are overindulged, who are not expected to give fairly or make amends for broken trust, also earn destructive entitlement. Like some more obvious forms of abuse and neglect, overindulgence can have equally severe consequences, even though over-giving can seem so much more benign.

Parentification

In parentification, children are forced to give too much through bearing inappropriate responsibilities, making the parent-child relationship ethically unfair and off-balance.

The lack of balance can unfairly pressure children to over-give and can rob them of the right to be fairly cared for.

Sometimes parents expect children to take on the burden of unfair responsibilities beyond the level of their maturity, developmental skill, or abililty.

Extreme cases of parentification include situations in which children are given such overwhelming tasks as continually taking care of younger siblings, keeping family secrets or accepting physical abuse while protecting the abusive parent.

How to heal destructive entitlement? Give credit for unfairness

When a child (or an adult) has been given too much or too little and has built up some degree of destructive entitlement, one of the most healing approaches is to give him credit for the unfairness. Then, as unfairness is acknowledged and appreciated, there can be a positive shift in the balance of fairness, and as a result the person can let go of some of the anger, hurt and right for revenge.

Simultaneously, the person needs to give to herself and to others fairly in order to begin building constructive entitlement, making amends for any destructive behavior.

Then through the process of receiving credit and acknowledgments for unfairness, while making amends and giving fairly to others, over time, the shift from destructive to constructive entitlement can occur.

The amount of time to heal depends upon the severity of the destructive entitlement.

Additionally, the person who has been forced to over-give can assume the right to set limits on giving. Destructive cycles can be broken when patterns of over- or under-giving are stopped so that future generations no longer need to suffer from and struggle with the legacies of unfairness and earned destructive entitlement.

By interrupting destructive patterns of entitlement and replacing them with constructive patterns of entitlement, parents have the incredible power to change unhealthy family legacies for themselves and for future generations. How awesome is that?

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

1. Consider your family’s legacies and your loyalties to them

2. Learn to recognize constructive and destructive entitlement

3. Break patterns of over- or under-giving

4. Intentionally give fairly to yourself and your child

5. Encourage your child to give inside and outside the family

Expert information from IPED

This information is brought to you by Lakeside Educational Network’s IPED Program. The Institute for Professional and Educational Development Program informs, equips and inspires educators, counselors, early childhood practitioners and human services professionals dealing with many difficult and complex issues each day.

Our exclusive curriculum, available directly from Lakeside’s IPED, is comprehensive in topics that promote emotional and relational health in children and families. Successful outcomes consistently occur as a result.

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

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The words we choose to use in our communication can directly impact children’s emotional health and the health of our relationship with our children.

Global language is less specific and tends to be critical of the child’s personhood rather than of a specific action or behavior. Often language that uses more descriptive, specific and tentative words is more accurate and less threatening.

Evaluative vs. descriptive words

It is important for parents to appreciate the differences between use of evaluative and descriptive language.

Evaluative words such as “good, bad, kind, cruel, nice, and mean” imply judgment and can be highly emotional in their transmission and reception. Descriptive words do not judge; they state facts.

By confusing evaluations with descriptions, opinions can be stated as facts, and personal beliefs can be presented as truths.

If the distinction is not clear, value judgments may be accepted as facts. The danger of opinions becoming “facts” increases with the amount of authority one person has over another. Parents can state opinions as facts and children can struggle to determine what is real vs. what is subjective judgment.

Opinions stored as truths can be difficult to dislodge. They can impact your child’s iceberg and affect his relationship with you or others.

However, if you clearly identify your statement as being a personal evaluation, then your child is freer to appreciate that this is indeed your opinion. The information can then be stored differently and can be more easily modified by your child’s own experiences.

Example: “The way I see it is…” vs. “This is the way it is.”

More global vs. specific and more absolute vs. tentative language

Global and absolute words, such as “always, never, should, perfect, totally, completely, must and can’t” are exaggerations. Such words give no leeway and can make the receiver feel defensive, labeled or trapped.

More specific words keep the conversation in the present; they speak of what is happening now. More tentative words such as “sometimes, maybe, possibly” usually are gentler and more accurate.

Example: “You are always so disorganized!” Is a global and absolute evaluation.
“Today you seem to be struggling to get your homework organized,” is more specific and tentative and probably will be better received.

Positive absolutes

Positive absolutes are blanket statements that use words like “always or never” and can be heavy to bear.

Example: “You always do your best” can have a surprising negative impact because of the pressure it places on the receiver.
Instead, a specific positive statement noting one-time situations eliminates the burden of expecting anyone to always be a certain way: “I counted on you to wash the car today, and you really came through for me” is healthier than “I can always count on you no matter what I ask you to do.”

The impact of directive statements

Directives are statements that tell the receiver what he can or cannot, should or should not do. These kinds of statements can evoke negative feelings and can be inflammatory and feel controlling.

More tentative statements typically are less threatening.

Example: “It might help you think this through and you might discover you know what to do” is less directive than “You have to do this now, this way…”

When you need to use evaluative and directive language

There are times when disciplining children that directive and definitive language is more appropriate. (“In our family we value kindness. Therefore, no one may purposefully hurt another person or pet, period.”)

There are appropriate absolute directives that serve an important function because they define values and provide both clear structure and boundaries.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

First use the Observer Role.
Consider your power to reframe your and your child’s world.
Be more specific, tentative and descriptive with your language.
Use evaluative, absolute, and global words with care

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

The power of words is indisputable.

The words we use carry positive and negative connotations, and implications and assumptions that affect our thoughts and, in some cases, can actually create our attitudes about things.

Words can ignite images, thoughts and feelings. Evaluative words or attributions (names or labels such as “dumb, lazy or bad”) you impose on your child could eventually become internalized into your child’s self-image. When these evaluations or attributions become part of your child’s core belief system, they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As you would assume, healthy images promote healthy self-esteem. Consequently, unfair, distorted images can have a profoundly negative impact.

Think of the words you use as a frame. They carry images, attitudes and values that may or may not be appropriate to what is being described or discussed.

Parents frame the world by labeling the many behaviors and situations around them.

Reframing involves changing, discarding or at least acknowledging the highly subjective nature of a particular perspective. It requires the ability to see the factual aspects of the situation as one thing and the frame as another, just as the picture on the wall is one thing and its frame is another.

When you reframe in a specific, nonevaluative way, you often change the reactions and attitudes of the message-receiver because your new description activates a different, healthier set of images, thoughts and feelings in his mind. (This communication skill works with children and adults.)

When reframing a word or perspective, it is a sound rule to use less emotional and more objective, descriptive words.

For example, shifting the emphasis from the child onto you, the speaker wo takes responsibility for your words, can be more emotionally and relationally healthy.

Less Healthy Frame: “My child is selfish about sharing.”
Healthier Reframe: “I see that in this stage of development my child values ownership.”
Less Healthy Frame: “You are an annoying kid!”
Healthier Reframe: “It is difficult for me to concentrate when you bounce the ball next to me!”

It is important to stress that reframing does not suggest using euphemisms for negative behaviors. You are not obligated to “sweeten” your reactions, bury your feelings, go against your values, or excuse inappropriate or destructive actions.

The value of reframing is in appreciating the power you have intentionally to frame and reframe your and your child’s world. Reframing allows you to make statements that offer a more accurate description of your perspective and your child’s responsibility.

With a bit of practice, you can become more intentional about changing the frames you use in your parenting. With reframing, you have the power to use more descriptive (”There is mud on your shoes”) vs. evaluative words (“You are a sloppy mess.”)

You’ll soon enjoy how descriptive words evoke healthier ways of interacting and behaving.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

First use Observer Role
Consider the message you want the receiver to receive
Take responsibility for your words
Evaluate and revise your message as needed

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

What is family loyalty? Family loyalty is a transgenerational power that works to preserve family traits, traditions and rules.

The impact of family loyalties can feel like an almost ghostly presence.

Loyalty occurs because we bond to parents who give us life and the nurturing we need to survive. We express this loyalty by defending or repeating the beliefs, roles, rules, values, and traditions of our parents and, therefore, of our family of origin.

You may have heard family loyalties referred to as legacies or baggage. We can be unaware that this loyalty occurs and that it is the force behind our behaviors.

All families hand down a legacy of beliefs, attitudes, rules and behaviors through a complex tapestry of messages about those beliefs, attitudes, rules and behaviors.

Each family member learns and eventually internalizes these legacies.

Sometimes our loyalties are to emotionally and relationally healthy beliefs and processes.
Sometimes we inherit less healthy beliefs and practices.
But, regardless of how healthy our loyalties are, because each of us is loyal to his or her parents, we each unconsciously strive to maintain the consistent tapestry of our family’s beliefs and practices.

The grip of family loyalty can be so powerful that a family member who begins to question unhealthy traits often feels guilty for being disloyal, as if he has abandoned his family or betrayed a trust…even though he cognitively can understand the need for change.

Breaches in loyalty can cause upheavals in family relationships. It takes courage, persistence and intentionality to work through the stress and difficulties toward healthier ways of parenting.

New skills require conscious thought and intentional implementation. Later, when the family adjusts to these new skills, former destructive patterns can be reduced and even eliminated, while healthy ones can be intentionally preserved. Eliminating destructive patterns may take patience, as change occurs in the context of relationships over time.

With new skills, new loyalties to emotionally healthier practices can become a part of the family system. Then the children of this family can be loyal to parents who are providing healthier ways of interacting and behaving. A new legacy is now created!

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

Consider the Steps of Growth—be open to new awareness and understanding
Consider your current family and your family of origin
Appreciate the power family loyalties has on you
Intentionally nurture healthy family loyalties while gently modifying unhealthy ones

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Your family is the first—and perhaps most significant environment—from which you receive your initial sense of yourself and the world. Having a definition of a family helps you understand family systems: A family is a unit of two or more people who may or may not be related by blood or marriage, who are connected in a committed relationship either with or without children.

A family ensures a degree of protection from the world for each member, especially its children. Further, families are comprised of networks of relationships in which there are different degrees of connection and respect, and different ways in which power is exerted or shared among the individuals within them.

Just as there are no perfect children or parents, there are no perfect families. For example, you may have received uneven or less healthy parenting when you were growing up, and thus have decided that as a result you will parent your children in healthier ways.

When you understand the powers at work in families, you are in a better position to promote emotional health in your own family system.

You belong to two families

Each of us has two families to consider:

our family of origin in which we were a child, and
our current family in which we live as an adult.

Family dynamics are often extremely subtle and difficult to assess. Loyalties to your family of origin can make you feel guilty when your current family operates in conflict with those loyalties.

Over time, society has changed the definition of and also how we measure the success of the family.

In the past, the success or health of a family was measured by outward appearances Today, success and health are measured by how well we care for each other at an emotional level. (See the IPED Iceberg, Relationship, Observer Role, Trust, Change and Steps of Growth pages.)

We expect, and are expected, to know how to be emotionally and relationally healthy without any foundation provided for those expectations. How can we expect that family members will provide emotional and relational health as a key measure of a family’s success with little or no modeling, training or preparation!

Parents in today’s families often are often poorly equipped to fulfill these expectations because the relational skills and knowledge that were lacking in the past generations do not magically materialize into the present ones.

As a result, it is no wonder so many families are struggling to be successful.

Traits of Healthy Families

(The following is an integrated list of the key traits and qualities of healthy families adapted from Dolores Curran’s, Traits of a Healthy Family, and Janit Woititz’s, Emotionally Healthy Parenting)

The degree to which each family member communicates, listens, affirms and supports one another
The degree to which unconditional love is provided by each family member.
The degree to which there is respect for each family member’s boundaries.
The degree to which all feelings are tolerated by each family member.
The degree to which there are reasonable limits and structure for each family member.
The degree to which there is organization and planning along with the ability to respond to a crisis by each family member.
The degree to which trust is developed by each family member.
The degree to which there is a sense of play, humor and shared leisure time by each family member.
The sense of rituals and traditions for each family member.
The degree to which each family member receives respect.
The degree to which parents teach and guide.
The degree to which the demands made on children are age and developmentally appropriate.
The frequency of affirmations to children.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS

Use the Observer Role to help you gain new awareness and understanding of your family
Consider your current family and your family of origin
Remember that relationships directly impact emotional health
Remember that change takes place in the context of relationships over time

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Parents often come to us wanting to know “tricks“ that will change their children’s behaviors.

They think they might be missing a parenting-approach because it is tough to believe some behaviors are normal—or even serve a useful purpose.

Are they missing a simple shortcut? Should change be so difficult?

Three principles of change

Change:

Is a complex, multi-faceted, dynamic subject
Is a part of each life and each relationship, and
Occurs in the context of relationships over time

No one can forecast with certainty how much time will be needed for change to occur. It occurs when there is a noticeable shift in an attitude, belief or behavior.

Some changes are more difficult than others

Some changes are more complicated than others, and some may take longer to achieve. For example, it can be anxiety-producing to make changes that challenge a family loyalty or that require a great deal of work.

We believe parents can be comforted (and perhaps disappointed) to learn there usually is not a magical quick fix solution to a problem or challenging behavior.

Instead, there is education and understanding and an ongoing process of applying multiple emotionally and relationally healthy approaches of parenting that over time build and strengthen your and your child’s Icebergs.

When you are introduced to new information, skills or principles, you may be influenced to move in a new direction. All change produces stress–even when it is positive, planned, desired or under your control. The degree to which it is a significant change affects the degree of stress you and those in relationships with you feel.

Change occurs in the context of relationships over time

There are no tricks to changing your child’s behavior

When you learn the possible meanings behind behaviors–about your child’s budding emotional health and his development of self-esteem–you are learning about your child’s Iceberg and Steps of Growth.

It is with this awareness and your understanding of the importance of building trust and trustworthiness, fairness and safety that change will occur. You are building the relational health in the deepest layer of the Iceberg from which desired behavior emerges, accepting that change occurs in the context of relationships over time.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

First use the Observer Role
Increase your awareness of change and its impact on your and your child’s Iceberg
Intentionally and patiently nurture emotionally and relationally healthy change

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.

Childhood is almost synonymous with growth. A child’s growth and change impacts all of the family often simultaneously stimulating growth and change in others, including parents.

As a parent you will face new challenges and need to make decisions about how to parent in healthy effective ways as your child grows. Over and over you will find yourself and your children moving through a predictable process of change.

The Steps of Growth and Change

Consider the process of growth as five steps: each successive step up is a growing process.

the lowest is below ground level, where a person is unaware.
you become aware
you understand
you take action
then you reflect on the process and consider how well you are doing.

Basement

In the basement, there are two forms of unawareness: a) when you are aware that you are unaware; and, b) when you are unaware that there is anything possible of which to become aware. (You are unaware that you are unaware!)

Unaware to Aware

The first step of growth occurs when your unawareness changes to awareness.

You experience an “Ah-ha” moment.
You recognize something that you overlooked, had not seen or noticed.
It can be a confusing, overwhelming, painful, or breathtaking moment when you become aware.
However, like a genie now out of a bottle, once you are aware you cannot go back into the basement.

Not Time Yet To Act

Recognition can be a very difficult, frustrating place when you are not yet equipped with the skills and approaches that allow you to make changes and take action. Yet, it is a critical step that needs to occur before the action-step.

As eager as you may be to DO something quickly once you become aware, it is usually a healthier and more effective process to slow down and complete the understanding-step of the process.

Awareness to Understanding

The next growth-step is the change from awareness to understanding. Understanding involves taking in the information that explains the situation, behaviors, concerns, issues or problems so they make sense.

It is the clarifying step that provides the essence of “Oh, I see… Now it makes sense.”

The Action Step

The action step involves a decision based on knowledge gained from the steps of awareness and understanding.

It could mean you make necessary changes
it could mean you take no action so natural consequences will occur (or you realize your job is to accept and adjust.)
It is an intentional step.

The Reflection Step

Reflection involves using the Observer Role to stop and look back down the steps to assess your progress.

How effective were your actions in achieving the desired change?
If your assessment is positive, your stairway-climb for this situation most likely is completed.
If your assessment is less positive, perhaps you have yet to discover an awareness or gain an understanding that might influence your action plan.

Sometimes No Action Is Required

There are times when your new awareness and understanding are all that is needed to change an attitude (more on attitudes later).

The significance of your changed attitude may reduce your stress that, in turn, could lower stress in your relationship and within your child. Then, with less stress in your relationship and with your child, your child may change some things positively in her behavior.

Up and Down the Steps of Growth

You repeat these Steps of Growth whenever you grow, no matter what age.

By knowing about the Steps of Growth, you can be more self-aware, self-accepting, intentional and patient. You can also be more aware, accepting of and patient with the growth processes occurring in others, including your children.

Wherever you find yourself to be in the growth process, give yourself credit for how and why you are on each step. Give yourself time to experience each step so your growth can be meaningful and healthy for you and your children.

PARENTING ACTION STEPS:

First use the Observer Role.
Consider your child’s stage of development and needs (its impact on your and your child’s Iceberg.)
Be aware of your own growth process
Allow yourself and your child time and space to take each step (intentionally and patiently nurture emotionally and relationally healthy change)

Expert information from IPED

With more than 50 years of outstanding service through its many programs, Lakeside is proud to be an international advocate and resource for kids and families.

If you would like to subscribe to our parenting tips, please follow us on Twitter at GerryatLakeside

If you’d like to learn more about our professional development training and CEUs, please complete the form below.